Mixed media and emotions

Just three days ago, Andy and I said goodbye to Benji and our veterinarian helped him cross the Rainbow Bridge. I have struggled to write a suitable eulogy but the words are not appearing in an organized fashion that I can memorialize in text. Instead I am getting small snippets of memories, all good except for that last day, and really the last few hours, after the results of the ultrasound showed that Benji had multiple compromised organs and abdominal sepsis that could not be resolved. In dogs both young and old, there is a less than 50% chance of recovery from abdominal sepsis, which started less than 48 hours before the ultrasound, as per our vet. However, there was no cure for the enlarged liver and kidneys, the lungs that looked "wrong" or the fact that Benji was 14 years and 10 months old. He was tired. He had used up that earthly body of his and was ready for his spirit to be freed. I cried long and frequently since Benji passed to the next realm. I cry in the morning when I don't have my little man to take on his daily adventure to open the chicken coop. I cry later in the morning when he doesn't peek his head into one of the parrot rooms as I feed and water the indoor birds. I cry when I sit down to my own breakfast, because Benji is not begging for food from Andy and I am not scolding Andy to limit table food. I cry in the afternoon when I lay down to rest after several hours of house chores, because I don't have to carry Benji down the stairs to our bedroom. I cry in the last afternoon because I don't have to carry Benji up the stairs to the second level, then down the stairs of the deck into the dog yard. I cry when I am in the dog yard, because there is no Benji to noodle around and bark stubbornly when he wants to go back inside the house, which required me to carry him up the deck stairs. Feeding the dogs their dinner takes no time at all, which also makes me cry, because I don't need to sit on the floor and negotiate with Benji to get him to eat. The first offering of food to each of the other six dogs is immediately and enthusiastically consumed. Sometimes I had to offer Benji three or more different items before he decided he was going to eat. Sometimes I could trick him into eating something he previously rejected. The food always had to be on a lick mat or flat plate, because Benji decided over a year ago that he no longer liked to eat from bowls. He was willing to drink water from a bowl, but food in a bowl was soundly rejected. I cry at night, because I don't have to take Benji out for one last pee on a leash right before we turned the lights off and tucked into our beds. I am not awoken twenty times a night by Benji digging in his bed to make it just right and Andy doesn't need to get up every 4-5 hours to take Benji out to pee. I don't trip over anyone at night now in the rare instance I need to get up to use the bathroom, so I cry while I shuffle without picking up my feet, because I am still in the habit of trying not to trip over Benji.

I believe that I finished remodeling our bedroom this morning. The new rugs arrived today so I unrolled them and set them on the ground. The day after Benji passed away, I shampood the bedroom carpet until my bare feet were wrinkled prunes. I lost track of time while Andy was out golfing. Andy had the golf time set a week before Benji passed and I insisted that he go out and golf, not stay in the house and mope with me. When Andy got home, near dusk several hours after I started working on the rug, I realized it was time to stop cleaning. I had fans plus a dehumidifier set up and I use non toxic cleaning products, but the carpet was still quite wet at bedtime so Andy slept on an air mattress in the cat room and I slept on the guest bed in the dog room. The carpet looks new. The new rugs are beautiful. I stumbled on the brand, Maple Rugs, last year while looking for non slip rug options for the hardwood floor on the second floor of the house. Maple Rugs were highly rated and ridiculously inexpensive. The rubber nonstick backing also makes them virtually waterproof and they are made from a tightly woven polyester so they are easy to clean. I've been buying and putting the rugs all over the house, and ordered these a few days before Benji passed away. They are pretty and the smaller rugs can be thrown in the washing machine on the cold delicate cycle. I learned the hard way that the steam sterilize cycle bleeds out the dyes in the rug, though the rug itself was otherwise unharmed. Andy will take that rug to the cabin at Skycastle Farms.

I installed the last of the new artwork for our bedroom yesterday evening. My father in law gave Andy and myself each a check for $500 for our birthdays in September, which was unexpected and much appreciated. For weeks I thought about what I wanted to do with my windfall. I finally decided that I wanted to buy small but meaningful artworks for my corner of the bedroom. I sleep on my left side and wanted pretty little vignettes to focus on in the early morning when I am sometimes awake and trying to fall back asleep. I wanted a landscape that made me smile at night when I looked on it. To add to the list of desires I wanted this artwork to fulfill, I wanted it to be made by kind artists that will increase kindness in the houses their tiny masterpieces grace. Two weeks ago, I began to dig deep into Motawi Tile Works, a company based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, founded in 1992 by Nawal Motawi. Their 2021 collection of art tiles can be found at https://www.motawi.com/collections/art-tile and many Etsy artists use Motawi tiles in their arts and crafts period décor. After some discussion with Andy and looking over the available tiles together, I decided to buy tiles for my montage all based on the work of Charley Harper, who passed away in 2007 after creating hundreds of beloved wildlife and domestic animal paintings, murals, drawings, and other media. I purchased my Motawi tiles directly from the official Charley Harper Art Studio, https://www.charleyharperartstudio.com which is run by Charley's son. The foundation continues to be philanthropic and by all accounts Charley was a delightful and eccentric character.

The clock in my little permanent exhibition is by Beth Sherman, based in California and selling on Etsy as well as online as Honeybee Ceramics, https://www.honeybeeceramics.com . Beth started in the fine art world and after 25 years decided to shift her focus to art that is "functional, affordable and aesthetically accessible." I can definitely relate to a sudden shift in focus as it has happened to be multiple times in my life, both planned and unexpectedly. The clock mechanism is silent. I love ravens, but they freak Andy out a little, so this clock allows me to have a pair of ravens in a product that won't give my husband nightmares. He admitted to liking the clock after I put it on the wall.

The red male cardinal in the Charley Harper based Motawi tile reminded me of Benji when I first saw it, long before I knew Benji's time with us would end. Cardinals have been more active on my farm this year than any year that I can remember since we moved into this house. I am not sure what accounts for the huge jump in cardinal activity, especially since I do not set out bird feeders in the warm months. There is the old saying, "When it is a cardinal you hear, a loved one is near." Maybe it was the spirits of my other dogs and animals that have crossed to the Rainbow Bridge, gathering around as they knew they would gain a new member. The cardinals have not dissipated since Benji passed, so maybe he is with them now too, looking over me and trying to provide comfort. Benji was well cared for his entire life. He joined our family at the age of 9 as his first owner was experiencing health issues that necessitated she place Benji with a new family. Benji's breeder contacted Andy as she knew we were interested in adding another Vallhund to our family. I was so hesitant to add a senior dog to our small pack, especially since we had just lost our senior male corgi and our senior male collie was in decline (Bailey crossed the Rainbow Bridge six months after Benji came to live with us). I look back now and have such enormous gratitude that I was able to share my life with Benji for five years and seven months. He taught me more about how to live a good life during that time than I learned from any other dog, and likely ever will.

Since it was raining this morning, the Vallhooligans and Bridget assisted me in unpacking and setting out the new rugs on top of the clean old carpet. Celine approved of three dog beds with freshly washed covers stacked upon our king sized bed. Prins also enjoyed climbing Dog Bed Mountain. Dove rolled wildly on the cotton sheets to get the tiny bit of rain off her coat. Skadi was a good girl who took it all in from on top of Andy's pillows at the head of the bed. Bridget knew she actually is not allowed downstairs so she coyly tried to avoid being seen. She did not succeed, but I was in no mood to enforce the standing rule. It is for Bridget's own physical benefit not to go up and down those steep stairs, so she sleeps at night on the queen sized bed in the dog room. There is also an enormous dog bed and her crate to choose from, which has both a thick orthopedic dog mattress and a plush bumper bed on top, with a cotton towel to cuddle into. I set up a small gate in the entryway of the dog room at night, so Bridget can still see into the rest of the main floor. I can step over the gate, and so can she, but she respects it and stays in the dog room until Andy or I remove the gate every morning.